Lost, or am I?
A few years ago, I wrote the following for a “Journal your Grief” group I had attended.
I’m sorry for your loss…
“I am sorry for your loss.” We’ve all heard this phrase. I’ve said these words to people too. But when they were spoken to me, they never felt right. Were the words wrong? I don’t think so. Was my perspective wrong? I don’t know, maybe. Even though at times the words tumbled out of my mouth, they just didn’t feel right in regards to my boys, Conor and Aiden.
You see, I’ve lost many things; I’ve lost my purse, I’ve lost my wallet, I’ve lost jewelry, books, etc. Once, I lost my car keys while I was actually driving! That was one story my three boys always laughed about and to be expected when you’re driving an Okinawan island car. I’m convinced that’s where all of Japan’s cars go for their last hurrah! I used a nail file to start the car till I found the keys. But, that’s a story for another time. These are all things and “things” are easily lost. I did not lose Conor and Aiden – not even to death.
You know what I did lose? I lost myself. I lost my identity. I lost my future. I lost my way. I did not just wander off my path, but I was blasted off of it. Finding myself in a very alien world, I was surrounded by fear, confusion, and pain, so much pain. I wander this with so many others, parents experiencing this pain, and alone at the same time.
Trying so hard to deny my new path and push it away, I continue to seek the right one, the one I loved. However, this new path has its moments of clarity as well. Light finds its way to even the darkest of places. It’s always in the form of a relationship, kindness, or love. On this journey, people have helped me to find my footing and, hopefully I have been a help to others as they try to navigate their new path. It’s about connection and connecting.
I did not lose my boys. You can’t lose love. They have run on ahead, but that doesn’t make it easier. I will always long for them physically and for the future I had planned. But I knew right away where they went. There was never a question and if there were, they both let us know without doubt and in so many ways that Heaven isn’t some far off place. The veil, the perceived separation between the physical and non-physical life, is so thin for them and sometimes in moments of pure connection it is for us as well. For me it is God’s greatest mercy to allow love to flow from one side of the veil to the other.
“Amazing Grace how sweet the sound, I once was lost, but now am found” …well, I’m not sure about “found,” but I now know our love provides the greatest compass.
***
After I finished writing this journal entry I sat and cried. I talked to my boys out loud asking if they missed me as much as I missed them….” Do you miss people when you are in Heaven?” Pulling myself together, I went about my evening still silently talking to the boys. Just before going to bed I checked in on Facebook as was my usual nighttime routine. The following 2 posts from a FB page caught my attention, one right after the other;
All of the lyrics in the song, Lost by Michael Bublé, spoke directly to my heart. If you feel moved to, listen to the song. The chorus is,
“'Cause you are not alone
And I am there with you
And we'll get lost together
'Til the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost”
The very next post from the same FB page was an answer to my question, “I miss you mum” and “I miss you xx”. As they have come to do, both Aiden and Conor chimed in leading me to this answer.
It fills my heart with love and gratitude to know – they are listening and working hard to light the path.